During the months of December and January I took an informal poll.  I asked women what it would take for them to put themselves on the top of their “to do” list.  More time was one of the popular answers but the most recurring response shifted my thinking dramatically.  Women said “a disease would put me on the top of my to-do list, but then I would be on the top of a lot of people’s lists.”  “If I get a disease I would be forced to take time for myself.  And there are all sorts of groups that will offer wellness programs and support for free, and people will rally to help get me well.”  How does that translate for you?  For me those women are saying I have no boundaries and feel I must sacrifice my own health to please others.

Does this shock you?  Or do you resonate with it?  For me it’s a little of both.  I witnessed the sacrificing mother who would go, go, go until she dropped.  Women who took time for themselves were criticized and time away from family or any service other than a haircut was considered a luxury.  But in the last 10 years I’ve been blessed to know women of all ages who make their physical, emotional, and spiritual health a priority.  There’s one of my best friends Gail who has faithfully put going to the gym into her daily routine for years – no matter what.  Gail is in her 50’s, very fit and genuinely enjoys her life.  Cheryl is also in her 50’s and brought the gift of yoga to my life.  Cheryl embodies physical and mental strength.  There’s Linda who in her 60’s models spiritual integrity and challenges me to move beyond my perceived limitations.  And there’s my 16-year old daughter, who in spite of her mother’s dreams and fears for her has not forgotten who she is.  More importantly, she’s not afraid to remind me.  I want to be like her!

The results of my survey inspire me to change my thinking.  I am already a firm believer that we create our own realities.  That said, I do not need to get sick in order to be well.  And maybe it’s time to start rallying for women who do what they need to do to take care of themselves.  My friend Toni is often heard saying “don’t wait until I’m losing body parts to honor and celebrate me.”  Do it now.  OK Toni.  One of my goals for February is to get moving to get healthy.  For the rest of February I am going to move for you and the other women who are modeling self-care for me.  I might be on the treadmill, running at the park, or steppin’ to the old Firm tapes – but I’ll be moving.  So to Gail, Cheryl, Linda, Sara Beth, Louise, and Toni – I honor and celebrate you!  Just being you makes a difference to me.

When you’re running programs for women, the kitchen is a really important component.  A group of women were engaged in a variety of projects; studying for their G.E.D., participating in empowerment programs, etc… when one of the particpants came in carrying sacks of groceries.  She announced to us all that she would be preparing Jamaican Chicken and Rice for us that day.  Since she was a native of Jamaica we were pretty excited!  By lunchtime the smells coming from the kitchen were powerful when we were invited to the dining room for the feast.  I don’t have to tell you how good it was to share that experience with a diverse group.  On my way back to my office another woman stopped me and said “she let me watch her cook this morning!”  I wasn’t sure of the significance of the comment and asked why that was so exciting?  The answer:  “I wasn’t raised by my mother and I always wondered what it would be like to be in the kitchen with her watching her cook.  Today I know the answer.” 

Perhaps as women we overlook how important the daily routine is and how grounded it can make us.  Whether or not we were raised by women who could share the simple things with us, we can embrace those things now.  When women share themselves with each other a creative energy comes into the room.  An energy that can inspire, heal, or quiten fear.  

My own mother says I was her only child that even wanted to be in the kitchen with her.  Many times I was definitely in her way and would receive a thump on the head with a request to get out of the way.  But when I was eight I received an Easy-Bake Oven for Christmas.  She let me set it up in a corner and would give me small portions of whatever she was cooking -  everything from biscuit dough to cake mix.  Amazing what creative dishes can be prepared over a light bulb!

Years later I find myself compelled to create this same space for women.  Elizabeth’s House is in it’s third year now of helping women of all faiths and backgrounds renew their spirit and reinvent their lives.  The funny thing is we don’t have a “real” kitchen.  A small room with no stove and a very small sink has become a makeshift space where we turn out amazing things using what we have.  We call it a “one-butt” kitchen as space only allows one person at the sink, handing off dishes to another, who hands them off to yet another to be put away.  Meanwhile, put on some rockin’ music and we are little girls again - a simpler time when women gathered for the simple things.

I was leading a workshop at a non-profit organization that serves low-income women.  A woman new to the program walked in and listened intently as the discussion covered a variety of topics.  At one point this woman interrupted my discussion and said “you seem to know a lot of things about a lot of things so I’m wondering – how do you know all these things?”  After a moment to consider the question I said there are a lot of things that seem as though I’ve always known them.  Perhaps some of them are things my parents always told me and so some things I don’t remember not knowing.  The next question out of this woman’s mouth changed me when she said:  “Can I tell you something?”  “I was raised by pimps and whores and they didn’t teach me those things.  Who will teach me now?”

We don’t all have the same starting point.  What could we teach one another if there were a place of non-judgement that invited women to just be women.  What could we learn about ourselves?  So much.  Another reason we need a place like Elizabeth’s House.

I was trying to remember when the seed was first planted for Elizabeth’s House and I think I figured it out.  I was in my 30’s sometime after the birth of my second child and was at my annual check-up with my gynecologist.  As I lay on the exam table responding to the question “how have you been?” I pulled out my list of everything that was wrong.  “I seem to be really tired all the time, I don’t have much motivation, everyone gets on my nerves, and I’ve lost all interest in sex, I began.”  Before I could continue the doc scooted himself across the floor on his little scooty stool and began writing me a prescription for an anti-depressant.  When I aked the question ”you mean if I take these pills I will want to have sex?”  he responded “no, not necessarily – but you won’t care if you do.” 

As I was filling the prescription later that day the pharmacist informed me of the drug’s potential side effects, one of which was “difficulty in achieving orgasm.”  Now I was really confused.  I’ve lost all interest in sex and I’m taking a pill so I won’t care if I have sex but when I do I won’t even enjoy it.  Wow!  And so began my quest to find out if other women understood what was happening with me, or if something was really wrong.  Asking those questions led to many more and an awareness of how important it is for women to have each other during times of transition.  I took the anti-depressant for a year and then realized I had stopped caring about a lot of things, not just whether I had sex or not. 

And so began that road less traveled of looking inside myself to find the answers I still perceived as outside of me.  If I had an Elizabeth’s House back then, that journey could have been a lot smoother.

I was in a class recently where a female pastor was sharing the dilemma of declining numbers in the church on Sunday morning.  I don’t suppose that is an unusual issue for churches to face as congregations age and become less resistant to change.  What struck me personally was the class instructor’s question to this woman when she asked “does your church want to grow or die?”  What a clarifying question – one that has served me recently as I find myself in yet another transition. 

My dream of creating a women’s renewal center where women would find support for living creative and spiritual lives came true in 2007 when I opened the doors to Elizabeth’s House in Toledo, Ohio.  After leasing an empty building on the provincial campus of the Sisters of Notre Dame, I hung three words in huge print on the main wall.  RETHINK…, RENEW…, REINVENT… became the invitation I extended to women, and not surprisingly the women came.  At first they were curious, suspicious, and cautious.  Understandable since there is nothing to compare Elizabeth’s House with.  I mean, where can women find resources for living a whole and meaningful life unless they are in a crisis?  What if your life isn’t in complete shambles but you could still use some support?  Where can women go when life has called them to change and they just need some perspective on the situation?  Where are the other women who will help us get the clarity we seek in order to make decisions in our own best interest?  These were the questions that gave birth to the desire to create such a place.    

The vision for a place like Elizabeth’s House in the community has always been big – so much bigger than one woman could accomplish alone and now, two years into manifesting this dream, it is time for Elizabeth’s House to “grow or die.”  This blog is my attempt at playing bigger in the world.  It is a decision I’ve made to allow others into my dream in order to grow, me as one woman, and we the collective.  I intend to share as openly and honestly as I can and invite those of you interested to join me for the adventure.