February 22, 2010

I’ve spent years in conversation with women and many refer to me as a “good listener.”  But that wasn’t always true.  There was a time when I thought I knew a thing or two and everyone deserved to hear my opinions on a wide variety of subjects.  It took a long time and some maturing to understand and have compassion for the young woman who was always trying to prove how smart she was.  Even though I still have moments of doubt I’ve learned how important it is to “check in” with myself before I speak.  During workshops and retreats I teach women how to recognize the voice of their ego that freely offers opinion and the voice of their spirit who generously offers wisdom.  How do you know the difference? 

The voice of the ego with all her knowledge and opinions tells you what she thinks.  Spirit tells you how she feels.  Many times the voice of ego rambles and goes off-subject.  Offering opinions on first one thing and then another, ego just likes to hear herself talk.  Often ego’s pitch and volume goes up as she tries to make her point.  Her sentences may end with question marks as she seeks to determine if you understand what she’s talking about.  Conversations with ego are very one-sided.  Even if you get a chance to speak, the opinionated ego of the other person is thinking of the next thing she wants to say, and probably interrupts or talks over you.

Conversely, spirit waits to be invited to share.  Spirit doesn’t care to compete with an ego trying to prove something.  Her wisdom tells her to give that woman space to clear her head because only then will she be able to receive a different message.  Spirit doesn’t need to be right.  Her voice sounds confident and often drops as she allows the wisdom from deeper within to come forward.  Wise women want to have inspired conversations and have little tolerance for what they call “cocktail” (or superficial) conversations.

So how does a wise woman handle opinionated egos?  Well, she politely listens at first.  She may even challenge the ego to quieten herself with a thought-provoking question.  If that doesn’t work the wise woman has to be discerning.  She’ll hang in there as long as she can but at some point she’ll probably excuse herself or simply stop listening.  I became aware of my obvious disconnection in a conversation once when a woman I was talking with noticed I had started reading while she was speaking!  What appeared rude was really an indication that I simply had stopped hearing what she had to say.  Opinionated egos can lose their audience quickly!

Become a good listener by beginning to observe the conversations you engage in.  Really listen to the words coming out of your mouth.  Are you offering opinion or wisdom?  Did someone ask for your input or do you need to tell them a thing or two?  We truly respect one another when we ask before offering our input on a subject being shared.  I encourage you to become a good listener, first by listening to yourself, and then offering the gift of listening to others and remember:

Knowledge tells you a tomato is a fruit, but wisdom tells you not to put it in a fruit salad!

Peace,  Beth Collins

During the months of December and January I took an informal poll.  I asked women what it would take for them to put themselves on the top of their “to do” list.  More time was one of the popular answers but the most recurring response shifted my thinking dramatically.  Women said “a disease would put me on the top of my to-do list, but then I would be on the top of a lot of people’s lists.”  “If I get a disease I would be forced to take time for myself.  And there are all sorts of groups that will offer wellness programs and support for free, and people will rally to help get me well.”  How does that translate for you?  For me those women are saying I have no boundaries and feel I must sacrifice my own health to please others.

Does this shock you?  Or do you resonate with it?  For me it’s a little of both.  I witnessed the sacrificing mother who would go, go, go until she dropped.  Women who took time for themselves were criticized and time away from family or any service other than a haircut was considered a luxury.  But in the last 10 years I’ve been blessed to know women of all ages who make their physical, emotional, and spiritual health a priority.  There’s one of my best friends Gail who has faithfully put going to the gym into her daily routine for years – no matter what.  Gail is in her 50’s, very fit and genuinely enjoys her life.  Cheryl is also in her 50’s and brought the gift of yoga to my life.  Cheryl embodies physical and mental strength.  There’s Linda who in her 60’s models spiritual integrity and challenges me to move beyond my perceived limitations.  And there’s my 16-year old daughter, who in spite of her mother’s dreams and fears for her has not forgotten who she is.  More importantly, she’s not afraid to remind me.  I want to be like her!

The results of my survey inspire me to change my thinking.  I am already a firm believer that we create our own realities.  That said, I do not need to get sick in order to be well.  And maybe it’s time to start rallying for women who do what they need to do to take care of themselves.  My friend Toni is often heard saying “don’t wait until I’m losing body parts to honor and celebrate me.”  Do it now.  OK Toni.  One of my goals for February is to get moving to get healthy.  For the rest of February I am going to move for you and the other women who are modeling self-care for me.  I might be on the treadmill, running at the park, or steppin’ to the old Firm tapes – but I’ll be moving.  So to Gail, Cheryl, Linda, Sara Beth, Louise, and Toni – I honor and celebrate you!  Just being you makes a difference to me.

I was in a class recently where a female pastor was sharing the dilemma of declining numbers in the church on Sunday morning.  I don’t suppose that is an unusual issue for churches to face as congregations age and become less resistant to change.  What struck me personally was the class instructor’s question to this woman when she asked “does your church want to grow or die?”  What a clarifying question – one that has served me recently as I find myself in yet another transition. 

My dream of creating a women’s renewal center where women would find support for living creative and spiritual lives came true in 2007 when I opened the doors to Elizabeth’s House in Toledo, Ohio.  After leasing an empty building on the provincial campus of the Sisters of Notre Dame, I hung three words in huge print on the main wall.  RETHINK…, RENEW…, REINVENT… became the invitation I extended to women, and not surprisingly the women came.  At first they were curious, suspicious, and cautious.  Understandable since there is nothing to compare Elizabeth’s House with.  I mean, where can women find resources for living a whole and meaningful life unless they are in a crisis?  What if your life isn’t in complete shambles but you could still use some support?  Where can women go when life has called them to change and they just need some perspective on the situation?  Where are the other women who will help us get the clarity we seek in order to make decisions in our own best interest?  These were the questions that gave birth to the desire to create such a place.    

The vision for a place like Elizabeth’s House in the community has always been big – so much bigger than one woman could accomplish alone and now, two years into manifesting this dream, it is time for Elizabeth’s House to “grow or die.”  This blog is my attempt at playing bigger in the world.  It is a decision I’ve made to allow others into my dream in order to grow, me as one woman, and we the collective.  I intend to share as openly and honestly as I can and invite those of you interested to join me for the adventure.